Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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