My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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