You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
