I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
