I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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