I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found a bag of teeth...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
