Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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