I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
