Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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