I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
