i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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