You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
