If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
