you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
