oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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