he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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