she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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