i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize