when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Im part way to drunk.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
