pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
