I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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