i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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