I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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