she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
