So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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