well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
