listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize