my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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