i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
