you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
