singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
