yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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