my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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