Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
