Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My cat gives me a boner
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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