If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
