i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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