Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
