"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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