My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
