Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Someone came in the potted fern
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
