On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
