I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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