We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize