Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
