Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
