She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
