So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
