I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
