Cold hands, warm shart.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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