You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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