My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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