They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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