ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize