Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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