It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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