It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
