i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
