Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
